I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
