I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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