she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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