I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
