I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
