Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
