i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
