New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
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