In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
This house was built for laser tag.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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