I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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