I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
