i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
