I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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