Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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