no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
