i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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