A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize