HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
