My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
