haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
