I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
