i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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