Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
