Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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