my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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