I want to make a zoo with you.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
