Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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