Your face is a jimmy john
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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