how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
