I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
