You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
