i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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