My friends, they love my intelligence
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
