you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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