I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
