24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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