New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Did I show you my penis last night?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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