matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
