So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
