it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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