when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
