Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize