So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
