Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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