You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
