You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
