last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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