you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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