Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
