My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
