I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
