its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
