You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
