P.S. I can't hear my feet
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
