im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
