I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Barsexuality is the new black.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize