East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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